The Hard Times Of Raisins.

For some reason I don't wish to explain, there is an economy sized bag of raisins in my kitchen. The raisins are actually quite good, and I eat them regularly (that is, if my rabid monkeyshark I call my sister doesn't devour them first). I never really read the packaging, but out of the stabbing pains of boredom, I decided to read the package. The first thing I saw:

If these raisins do not meet these rigorous standards, please call the following number (1-800-some-shit) at ONLY these times (ass o'clock in the morning and sleepy time at night)

What world do we live in that even raisins are subject to the horrible standards us humans must be put through? When I'm bored, I think of crazy shit. So sitting here, eating rejected grapes, I thought of the life of a raisin. So, here you go.

The Hard Life Of A Raisin

1. Grapes are pressured to become skinny and wrinkly to be beautiful.

2. Once this happens, 75% of the american population hates them.

3. 15% of the 25% of these Americans expect them to dress a in chocolate or yogurt coating or to be in a certain crowd, preferably trail mix.

5. Americans ridicule the raisin by pouring them on peanut butter and celery so their bratty kids who will end up being potheads anyway can take it to school and shove down some unlucky kid's shirt.

6. Raisins confined in boxes and bags are expected to be "a juicy and satisfying snack", even though they are wrinkled, pathetic excuses of a real fruit.

7. Raisins are expected to be loved by everyone, but 10% of that 25% are only senile old people, thinking they're prunes.

8. Raisins become suicidal when they figure out the whoremaiden on the front of their box lied, and they're not from California, but a dismal factory in Nowhere, Kansas.

9. No matter what scientists and the bible said, Raisins just aren't never considered fruits.

10. RAISINS AREN'T FRUITS.

Ok I'm done here, because there is very little you can write on the subject of Raisin discrimination. Unless someone wrote an optional essay on it, and in the case, I'm so sorry for your non-life and eternal virginity.